Cant manage the unmanageable

How can you ever be sure your doing the right thing at the right time? I’m sitting here trying to study everything all at once, because I live a life with nothing but stress. I’m filled with regret cause no matter what I do it doesn’t seem to be enough or the right thing at the right time. I’m reading one book while I probably should be reading the other books. My weekends disappear to obligations to which my heart is split on the decision making. How will I ever know if I'm doing the right thing at the right time? Making mistakes is horrific and it leaves behind stress and debrief that I really can’t take right now. Lost lost lost
I feel bad. Sometime more the others I wish things would go back to when I had time to focus to do what I wanted to and what I needed to. Living in this present with obligations that are not my own is a burden. Not everything has gotten better with time I tell you. I’m finding myself in a constant guilt trip, gosh even taking a shower takes more time out of my day then I have to spear. No matter what I do I still feel as if it’s not helping me forward, just stressing me out right now and destroying things for later on.
How can I manage two jobs and two classes all while balancing life's musts and needs? I haven't found myself doing anything for me in a long time, gosh painting my nails is the only me time I'm able to give out and it’s only every other week.   I’m stressed, guilty bound, and can I say (well at this moment) less happy. Finding a minute to read my email (god forbid to answer an email) or to send a massage to a friend or a loved one is not something to which time allows.

B.B 2010

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You learn nothing by talking & everything by listening!

There are times when people talk and they state the obvious where irritation strikes and the thought or words just simply go along the lines of "duah its the obvious" and then there are times when the obvious is stated and you still know its the obvious but you go "huh that’s right". Well recently I had just that happen to me, often when the obvious (to me) is stated I find myself getting a bit irritated and I don’t really know why, but imp working on both figuring it out and fixing it, nevertheless, but this time, maybe I was in unconscionably in desperate need of hearing it, cause this time it clicked, well duah Jessica, just do it, just try it and see how it goes.
I bet you’re a little curious to know what it was; well it was to skim the textbooks. 
I swear sometimes the mind is susceptible to listening and some taking in other times is rejecting every word that reaches the ear.
I am a miss talk a lot, I cant say I like hearing myself talk cause I do find me a bit irritating at times ha-ha, especially my own recorded voice. But I do talk, I love to intervene and discuss and resolve and learn, and in my head I learn my asking questions by wanting an explanation. I do wish I had the ability to at times remember my "oo I have something to say right now" and hold them for when the person is COMPLETELY finished talking and have been granted a few minutes/seconds/moments to pause and think. Well I seem to forget, and utter my words instantly. I feel my heart pounding blood racing if I hold something in that I know I want to say, its like a rush or arousal or something. So I speak my mind often and well, all the time. If I don’t then after I feel regretful like, I should have told that woman her ring was beautiful, it would have made her day.

See im far far far away from the typical norm of peoples personality and character and I do find pride, tremendous pride in that, however at times when I’m comfortable around someone, I think I talk toooo much.
See what is so contradictory to my own wants and needs is that, I want to remain that way given minor changes but I want to change to become a person who listen a lot as well. 
I guess finding that balance is a part of finding me, and I will, I know I will and I know I'm on the right track. For gods sake I have my guardian angel, my soul mate, may family, my life and my loved once right beside me, helping me in their own way and supporting me.

Page out of a book

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