Strong will but tired head, I guess I lost but NO im in LOVE so I won!

I swear my hear is so exhausted at the moment, I really dont know any difference between reading herb-rue or reading notmal letters. I read and I read and I have no Idea what I read afterwards and realizing that I make the misstake of trying to read it again and make the same mistake ugh.

Well If I had taken the time to acctually read the assignemnt I wouldnt have spent the past weeks reading about 3 chapters that were not included in this perticulat assignement when I should have been reading something completely different. 

Well ill cut myself some slack, it resently I accknowledged that I skim through a text disregarding the actual reading part which is what would be of most use, atleast I have realized it. BUT GOD! IF I HAD ONLY READ THROUGH IT PROPPERLY...... uggghhhh seriously Jessica wake up.

Well so now here I am, in a completely different state of mind then I was at an hour ago. I thought I would have this done by today, but as my reading is malfunctioning and my head is tired, they wont be working as great together as they normally do. But this is life, this is what happens when 3 weeks of drama and unplanned and unwanted things drop down like bird shit from the sky. Im soo soo soo LUCKY that this assignment is OK to hand in late, I havent had one like that ever, so having this flexible thing going on, is quite a relief.

I want to read and write but my head wont let me, maybe I should just take this as a sign and go do something else, cause with my luck Id manage to erase everything.

 

So around 8:00 Mr.27th or we can call him Mr.A,  will come around and we will take the tiny doggy and the big doggy for a walk and then we will make dinner. Sounds lovely, ohh yes indeedio. 

 

This guy isnt someone to settle for, cause he is the one I cant live without. That list I have made in the bast deciding whether to stay in a relationship or leave one has always consisted of pros and cons, the con being often things they lack that I NEED from a man. all the guys have had more more cons then pros, or the once on the con list weigh so strong that one con and 6 pros still wont cut it. But this guy, hes my type, the chemistry is amazing like fireworks by the mer thought of him and clouds of comfort, humor and security when Im around him. He is my list of all the pros and all the Cons, haha that sounds crazy. But he is everything I have ever talked about wanting in a man and every-bitt about HIM as himself as his personality not just the things I like are fantastic.

 God does an amazingly good job when matching people up! Thats why we should leave things up to the big man upstairs cause when humans choose, they are blind, so dont listen to other people, follow you heart, listen to your gut. Nothing will go wrong then.

Im so happy right now, I have not been this happy with these feeling since I was in Vegas and I have never felt love like this, never, its like a new planet. Filled with beauty and hope!

Oh gosh i might want to sell some things at an auktion. I wonder how it would feel to see your own things auktioned off and away, cause i do need to clean and get rid of some shit.

So the interview is typed 14 pages now 5 more to cover and analyze it  before sending it in. First a break

R Kelly - I Believe I Can Fly

good note bad thoughts but now they are out!

Holy cow holly cow holly cow!

So this morning I got my energy and got down to business, I wrote and finished research paper on experimental grounds and turned it in. It took me about 9 hours straight today and since then Ive been typing up my interview call me a silly goose, but I did not think it would take this long. the interview is about an hour in total and so far it tool me 7 hours to get through half. Well this is my first time typing an interview and since everything needs to be handed in together it will have to wait, Im happy its a flexible class. I guess god saw my calender and told the professors to give me a break from this madness.

Well things are going good, love is in the air and you know its real love when it doesnt happen during the summer, haha well thats my philosophy, its not called a SPRING-fling for nothin.

Im thankful to have true people in my life and I thank god for my health and my life.

 

If I dont get the words out I hold them in so here it goes,

I know these are not the thoughts I should be having, considering how happy I trully am! but God please make sure that scumbag get what he deserves for treating me the way he did, has and is still doing. False allegations and mason conspiracy, I know karma will burn down everything you love and own to make you see the path of righteousness. well there is a difference between a real man and a straight up pussy and that guy is nothing but a living looser whom I wish would just get out of my life. Youve been out of my head heart mind and soul for a year now, no lie and its not like you didnt know, you choose not to listen, see or feel,  your unwilling to let me go and move on so you go crazy and do this, well sucker Karma will get you, cause i got faith. I believe in god not like you and your lies to keep in with the masons, they will find eventually.

oh well it feels good to have some of it out of my system. its just so damn scandalus how someone can live together and see the hard work I do, the effort time and energy I put in everyday, how unselfish I am, know my past life , my struggles, my accomplishments and know how far I have come, how hard I have tried, how much I have sacreficed and see me still fighting for everything, I have own and strive for and then not only steal my things, run me over, leave all the bills unpaid but then try to destroy my future, my life, my career. You know what, this isnt the end, and your attempt to keep in my life has failed, your attempt to destroy me and or my life has failed, cause I got love in my heart and you are only a few weeks away from being completely out of my life. Justice will be served, the truth will rise and you you pussy will fall. 

 

Cause I believe !

Now maybe a nice Warm shower with reggae tunes and then some tv, cuddle time with the puppy and let love fill my heart and soul :-D

Im so sensitive to caffine that drinking One Monster gives me a rush, its Nice though haha

I remember how i used to live on these things.. haha 

Doggy brought in a snail, ha-ha and it found its way to the bible ha-ha. I love gods creatures

It really is a beauty! 

``` Where We come from there are no sunrises and sunsets, there are no todays and tomorrows and yesterdays. It's a timeless, perfect, extant, non-bonding reality. We have gone through the process of enlightenment. Thousands and thousands of times We have been cast into the white light of eternity, dissolved, reformed. We are that stateless state.

Ohh and gosh.
Last night I ate popcorn in bed for the first time ever :-p

Laundry ugh

Serioucly One freakingly huge pile of laundry, on Sunday its on .... Ugh i find putting it all away to be the most challenging and boaring part of it all. Why? ...

Blessing ETANA FT ALBOROSIE

So this Mr.27th is ruling my world.
Im at aww with him. I knew from the first time i met this guy that there was something completely amazing about him. That sence of security, trust and respect i received and got from his is something thats is by far rare to come a cross, especially in a society where "its not preached upon as much".

I'm so thankful that Mr.A and my guardian angel coexist in my life.

At this moment where god has sent me some 'life lessons ' , that strength to be me, to be myself is blossoming in the soil of their aura and it feels incredible. I guess that list I made when I was young of what I'd desire in a man was faxed to god and marked to be delivered this year.

A man who's capable of speaking directly to my heart through his and mine eyes is close to non existent. The attraction is not one or the other of physical or psychological but a magic combination of the two I have never endured.

I am an old soul living and have had many lives that helped make me, me but the people that are forever in my heart are the once I swear were my 'soul-mates' in a past life. I think we are sent to this world to try to locate these people and when and by doing that I think a door opens that will change life as we know it.

Well now, here I am well fed from breakfast with a smile that warms my heart and soul, with books in my lap wishing these papers would already be written so I could rejoice in others company. But as of right now I'm forced to do my own homework and I do have to begin considering me and my guardian angel will take a trip to 'childhood' later on. I long to see him, my life is always complete  around him :-p see you this afternoon    

Today I put these up on the wall and the puppy is getting big

Freemasons in Sweden should be shutdown

I dont even know what to say. I'm shocked stunned and missing words. How can someone lie like that, how can someone publicly speak out of ignorance. This guy is horrible, horrible simply horrible.
I hope that the truth surpasses all the evil lies and deception. How this is happening is beyond astonishment. I feel so sad and betrayed but yet that is my strength. I won't let lies win. Freemasons have I lost all respect for and that I'm now going public with. This is a horrible horrible organisation living lies with loose regulations destroying a well respected organisation.

Reading reading reading, thats all i do, good thing its interesting.

So GOOD NEW FIRST! 

I passed my assignment for psychology and im not only exhilarated but chocked over my own ability to pass it without needing to make additions. I did everything on simply two days and that is amazing! This is so awesome, it shows im better then what I thought of my self, considering my "situations" at the moment!!!

Well today was a fantastic day, in general I guess, I worked at the school and got meet all the amazing kids. I simply love love love children, they are a gift from god and I guess thats why I love people too. They are amazing and have so much potential that I feel honored and privileged to be able to watch them and be around them.

On another note, my other computer will not be fixed by the manufacure and I have no way of fixing it myself and that SUCKS!

I got a phone call this morning which opened a can of worms that I have to either fight for or settle, IM hoping that ex of mine will come to his senses, give me my stuff and his rent and pick up whats rightfully his, if not, Ill through all his things away and have to drag it all through the court system which will be a long and for him expensive way of handling it.

But now Im home and I should start studying. 

I have an interview to conduct on childhood and I have yet to ask nor find someone to interview and I have an experimental design paper to write, all needing to be done for Friday so time is ticking and im trying to stop it.

But Im happy and life is actually quite good at the moment :-D

Yum, dinner

Its folish of me to even write the words but I guess I cant be suprized. Ive lived in sweden for about 4 years and have been trying hard to bring the family closer at times there has been a slight light that gave me hope for the future but most of all my own desire was what kept me going. So yesterday was not as great of a day as I had hoped wished and wanted but Im not suprised at all.

The family was together for the last time before every one split back top their own far of destination. My grandma has always been irritated when placed in the same room as half of the family and its a fact I have since long known, I have always stood there accepted the challanges and her negative energy and words that for some reason always managed to be directed at me, I honestly think its becasue im the only one strong enought to take it and not take it personal but considering all the things that have been spiraling down for me lately I was in no state to be the punching bag. Since my mom arrived in this country we have as always had our everyday  battles and we have both I guess tried in our own way to make it work some more then others, but when she left for my grandmas her only goal was to destroy the relationship between me and my grandma and well NOW she succeded. Im so angry right now, computers dont work and everything is working against me right now and I cant take it any more.

MOM, you should have apologized for the way you acted in my apartment, but your not a big enough person to do so, I DID simply cause I AM trying to make things work between us but that has ended. 

Grandma, I wish your daughter would be honest with you and you would be more understood with the situations. You have no right to ever speak to me the way you did and it will take a long time for me to even start to want to forgive you. I have bent over backwards for everyone here and got shit thrown in my face as thank you, I have stood by your side help you in need done what I could to be supportive and thats nothing I can say you have done for me when shit hit the fan and I needed you the most. You have all the right in the world to be irritated for silly things simply cause you can not controll your emotions around your children but you have no right to take that out on ME, no right!!! Mom for standing there and watching her disrespect me for doing what I was asked to do shows your no better then her and I will not tolerate it.

I have been so betrayed by youo for so long and its about time I stand my ground and say I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT ANYMORE and I WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU RIGHT NOW. Forgiveness is to be earned!

I dispite the way you all have treated my 91 year old grandma and I will not ever eccept and forgive that!

So as you can see, Im irritated for many reasons and majority is on the women of this family who long have chosen to do me wrong, well yo know what Im not young, dumb and stupid and I can say THIS IS ENOUGH!

You should all be ashamed, all the secrets I have kept for you, the protection I have given you, simply cause my respect for the family was bigger well thats done and over with.

I have my share of problems but Im working, working DAMN hard on correcting them and doing all means necessary to make sure no one else will be forced to sit in this situation alone like I was and have been for so long. 

You should all be ashamed, and you will regret not knowing me or getting to know me better but that is your loss not mine. I know my life will be better now cause I dont have to take anymore crap from you. 

I have met people who are so much more like family then what my family has shown, and its not like thats what I prefer, but I have tried to make things function and now im done with that.

I thank god for shining his light on me and giving me the strength to see the light in this dark time. I am so tremendously blessed to have a big family and for having their unconditional love help guide me. I am also pleased to be able to say that I feel the love from those who are not bound by blood or forced to pretend to care about my well being. I thank you, you who have my best interest at heart, you who stand by my side and provide a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold and a finger to help point the way when im not able to myself.

This was a very negative blogg post but not only did I have to get it off my chest, but I know im not alone in experiencing problems like these and I know this is the first real step in me disclosing the truth of what I have been through in my life. all these secrets for good and bad will eventually come out. I have gone to many years hiding and hurting due to my obligation to be silent to be accepted in my family! 

I love all who have done me wrong and my love for thee wont stop nor disappear but my respect for you have diminished and its not up to me to rebuild what you have destroyed. I will always be here for you, to help you if you need help, to be there if you need me but I will no longer take the BS you throw at me. 

And the truth shall set me free.

Im about to explode, nothing is working nothing everything around me is falling and im so tired of all these challenges god is throwing me.
Not One things is working, why what the f****