Its folish of me to even write the words but I guess I cant be suprized. Ive lived in sweden for about 4 years and have been trying hard to bring the family closer at times there has been a slight light that gave me hope for the future but most of all my own desire was what kept me going. So yesterday was not as great of a day as I had hoped wished and wanted but Im not suprised at all.

The family was together for the last time before every one split back top their own far of destination. My grandma has always been irritated when placed in the same room as half of the family and its a fact I have since long known, I have always stood there accepted the challanges and her negative energy and words that for some reason always managed to be directed at me, I honestly think its becasue im the only one strong enought to take it and not take it personal but considering all the things that have been spiraling down for me lately I was in no state to be the punching bag. Since my mom arrived in this country we have as always had our everyday  battles and we have both I guess tried in our own way to make it work some more then others, but when she left for my grandmas her only goal was to destroy the relationship between me and my grandma and well NOW she succeded. Im so angry right now, computers dont work and everything is working against me right now and I cant take it any more.

MOM, you should have apologized for the way you acted in my apartment, but your not a big enough person to do so, I DID simply cause I AM trying to make things work between us but that has ended. 

Grandma, I wish your daughter would be honest with you and you would be more understood with the situations. You have no right to ever speak to me the way you did and it will take a long time for me to even start to want to forgive you. I have bent over backwards for everyone here and got shit thrown in my face as thank you, I have stood by your side help you in need done what I could to be supportive and thats nothing I can say you have done for me when shit hit the fan and I needed you the most. You have all the right in the world to be irritated for silly things simply cause you can not controll your emotions around your children but you have no right to take that out on ME, no right!!! Mom for standing there and watching her disrespect me for doing what I was asked to do shows your no better then her and I will not tolerate it.

I have been so betrayed by youo for so long and its about time I stand my ground and say I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT ANYMORE and I WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU RIGHT NOW. Forgiveness is to be earned!

I dispite the way you all have treated my 91 year old grandma and I will not ever eccept and forgive that!

So as you can see, Im irritated for many reasons and majority is on the women of this family who long have chosen to do me wrong, well yo know what Im not young, dumb and stupid and I can say THIS IS ENOUGH!

You should all be ashamed, all the secrets I have kept for you, the protection I have given you, simply cause my respect for the family was bigger well thats done and over with.

I have my share of problems but Im working, working DAMN hard on correcting them and doing all means necessary to make sure no one else will be forced to sit in this situation alone like I was and have been for so long. 

You should all be ashamed, and you will regret not knowing me or getting to know me better but that is your loss not mine. I know my life will be better now cause I dont have to take anymore crap from you. 

I have met people who are so much more like family then what my family has shown, and its not like thats what I prefer, but I have tried to make things function and now im done with that.

I thank god for shining his light on me and giving me the strength to see the light in this dark time. I am so tremendously blessed to have a big family and for having their unconditional love help guide me. I am also pleased to be able to say that I feel the love from those who are not bound by blood or forced to pretend to care about my well being. I thank you, you who have my best interest at heart, you who stand by my side and provide a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold and a finger to help point the way when im not able to myself.

This was a very negative blogg post but not only did I have to get it off my chest, but I know im not alone in experiencing problems like these and I know this is the first real step in me disclosing the truth of what I have been through in my life. all these secrets for good and bad will eventually come out. I have gone to many years hiding and hurting due to my obligation to be silent to be accepted in my family! 

I love all who have done me wrong and my love for thee wont stop nor disappear but my respect for you have diminished and its not up to me to rebuild what you have destroyed. I will always be here for you, to help you if you need help, to be there if you need me but I will no longer take the BS you throw at me. 

And the truth shall set me free.