Quiet these damn thoughts!

I swear the biggest problem in my life is that my thoughts are always wandering, literally!!! If I read one single sentence, my mind has already thought of at least three different things during. I have difficulties reading due to this, I get stuck, because my thoughts interrupt me, I forget because I remember something else, well the list is endless. The biggest problem I have is that I think to much, I do to much and I want to much or well actually I’m a clear definition of a go-getter, Everything I want I find a way to get, it may take time but that is included in my way there. Right now I'm sitting with 5 tabs in this internet window two are about the same thing, I have one downloading window and two word documents and one pdf, oh and a folder. I have tried a lot of things to wind down my mind but it doesn’t seem to work, ill keep note pads around so I write down the thoughts instead of acting upon them directly, I still do it, but I don’t think it had hindered me at all. There are so many things I want to do that helps me, there are so many things I need to do. And I do think that concludes the problem just a little, the fact that I want and need. It’s clear to say I’m far from a Buddhist. I don’t know why my mind is constantly on a search for something, does it not realize I have enough as is it, I mean my mind is in the game with me, side by side, how can it not be totally aware of the situation with me. 
It feels as if my mind is fighting against Me.!?!
There are what I will call natural remedies that do sooth the soul and helps me something tremendously, I manage to focus, prioritize, smile, endure happy thoughts and seriously and honestly be at peace with me. I am what you could most definitely not a drinker, Now read the words and don’t confuse them with a non-alcoholic. I mean if I have one beer or share a bottle of wine per month that is just about it. I don’t find alcohol amusing, I don’t find it exhilarating, I don’t like how people react, behave or even speak when under the influence, I don’t like I feel when drinking, I feel a pick me up after 20 minutes of the beverage and 30 minutes later I’m tired and the I get the feeling of discomfort. I have very very little respect for people who ABUSE ALCOHOL due to how people act. They BLAME it on the alcohol and the do things they regret or really shouldn’t be doing. In this society, people have to have alcohol in order to BECOME themselves, or well so they think. They are destructionists! I would if I could or knew how. Create a petition to ban the things that are literally destroying society, Alcohol and cigarettes, for god sake teenagers are breaking in to stores, robbing and killing due to nicotine desire, it’s clearly pathetic. Like I was saying, I would Ban alcohol and cigarettes and make marijuana legal. Gods plant, a plant that for some reason has been labelled around ignorant individuals, these individuals have created scandals out of simple lack of knowledge and spread myths that are contradictory to evidence and experience. This world is built and theorized from individuals who were worshiping the natural grown. How can we sell in our stores chemicals, that have been left to yeast left to mould left to experiment. Chemicals that destroy our bodies! You should not be able to buy something in the store that makes you feel sick or disgusted with yourself the morning after; you should not be allowed to buy something that makes you fenne after more.
If anything should be sold in the stores, it should be naturally grown. All these labels are coming up in the stores, naturally made, no artificial....., no this no that, its bull. They sell self destruction on a shelf, they create stores strictly for addiction, and they give it a label, 18 or 21 and older to buy. So I guess murder is legal after 21 considering how many people are drinking and driving. The state, the government are not trying to cut down or car accidents No they want to look out for our plane, our eco system, but they won’t let natural plant be grown in a house. You get a harsher sentence for a gram then you do for, paedophilia or sticking your neighbour in the oven or child in a pot. If more people would smoke, it would be a lot more peace, love and understanding. Regulating could definitely also is an option it they feel its necessary, require a doctor to prescribe it if you have to. But make it available. My migraines who are and have been getting worse and worse with age disappear, if you can explain it other then the relaxation of my body then please do. My mind doesn’t spin my thoughts are clear. I can enjoy life. I seriously do hate that I’m forced to consume narcotics every single day and sometimes more (But then I choose to have the migraine disappear and for the horrific mood swings to take over, its fantastic to remove a migraine and wake up the next day filled with regret, for how I overreacted, or snapped, or said something). I hate that these doctors know what the problem is but refuse to provide me with the effective medicine. I find this world filled with contradictory statements and all the media want is more stories more stories, don’t ban alcohol or cigarettes, for god sake there would be no stories, The number of people interested in reading of the newest tragedy would be out a story to read. There would be less drinking and driving, less children being beat to death because parents were drinking and not realizing how hard they were hitting. They would start a fight at a cafe, or pub. 

Would it seriously be so wrong to have a society where Hate and all kinds of destruction were removed?

Well here are some thoughts I had in the midst of all this studying for the exam tomorrow. Just make my thought quiet down so I can think! My mind does not shut up!

Prioritize stress

I swear feeling like everyone gets it when you don't (and on the inside you know its not really true).
It really really sucks. So to day in the middle of a hectic week, work today and meeting with the fantabolous Philosofy group (Which was awesome, considering my other class the only interaction we have is via PC its great to talk to people about things), i got work tomorrow again at the school (Which is AMAZING, thank god for that) and i got to study for the exam on thursday and the case report due on monday. I have to read about a few houndred pages and one book, oh and this is imprtant things to remember to, its nor a book of choice where i can choose my perspective, nope, here i got to learn and remember, which is lovely when stress isn't a factor. But what to do what to do.

Honestly im so lost i dont know where to start, where to prioritize and where not to.
My head is spinning and i cant make it stop, i need something to calm me down desperately.
Do i start with the exam well yes jessica its important, BUT the case is in a group and I cant NOT do my part of the one thing im deeply deeply interested in. Dont get me wrong Philosofy rocks! But i want crime and solving.
Talk about solving, Failing that test, well its my own fault. He said I explained to much, I gave to many of the variable answers. Honestly I thought i gave him what he asked, but there is the perspective kicking me in my ass. And I have a second chanse in the begining of December, NOW THAT SUCKS, i dont have time to study three courses all at once, serioucly with two jobs, im happy im still alive.

Things have changed tremendously the past few months, dont get me wrong its been great, but (yes of course a but) when things were like they were before, I was more focused ON ME. Now im serioucly not able to do so at all. And that too I my own fault, my problem, my worries. I just wish I could fix them.

Priority, ability, focusing and doing...... Gosh, everything just seems so difficult and I know i drag it on myself.
Like the kids, I will not, not now not EVER, deny them entry, help , assistance or a lending ear. I'm here for them and if I fall behind I did some serious slacking. I need to get things going MY way, Not that I know what way that is, nor will I for many many years, and I can say I'm quite eager to get there.

breath

Breathing isn't it crazy the one thing our body does automatically can, will and does help us something so tremendously. Having controll of your breathing means you have controll. Of you live but most of all yourself.
When its cold, when its hot when your happy when your scared. When things are rough or going smooth, when pain or agony is crossing your paths ,try to relax, controll your breathing and things will be ok. At times it seems impossible, but one deep breath and its all ok.

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Betray or there for life

Early in my life my father and mother established values. 

One of the many saying my father used to say was “family is the most important thing in the world, friends will come and go and only time will show you who your true friends are, but your family will always be there for you” whether I knew I needed them whether I wanted them there or not in my teen rebelliousness THEY WERE ALWAYS THERE.

I have friends that have been there for me when I needed them the most, they are few, I would say a hand full but they are TRUE friends, who I have stood in battle with who I have told me the cold hard truth in moments of desperate need who have given me a warm hug when I needed. But all those dear friend and my family are so tightly intertwined that not even my naïve eyes could tell them apart.

Its part of being a child, rebelling, and seeking independence seeking your “self” unknowing it will take several decades to find who you think you are or who you are going to pretend to be for a while.

I’ve been betrayed ample times in my short life but to be honest the betraying has come from “friends” My family; my big big family has always taken me in, no matter how harsh my statements and words in fury and frustration have been. They were there when I calmed down. They believed me when no one else did. They listened to my coded talks when no one else had time. They in moments of silence made more sense to me then all literature ever possibly could. As I’ve grown I have met a lot a lot a lot of people. So of who have provided me with aha moments some who have provided me with days week’s months and soon to be almost a year of aha.

Running away

(Im so thankful for everyone who gave me that second chance in life, THANK YOU!)

When times are rough and you need someone desperately, you will find out who your friends are. Some of my both horrific and most memorable impacts have been when I was a teen filed with raging hormones, emotions hard to handle and a move cross the continent which I hated and loved at the same time something so confusing that I and my best friend ran away. We both had self proclaimed teen difficulties and in the spur of the moment we wanted freedom. So instead of asking we took it.  We ran away, not very far but we did it a week in Las Vegas. We went to one of the only places a teen would know to go to where the police wouldn't care about us. Circus circus. We some how not only managed to live a week but we made it out a live after that week. Now with my more knowledgeable eyes I see, understand and feel horrible for what I put my parents through. How many kids have lost their lives by doing something this STUPID, how many kids haven’t gotten seriously hurt kidnapped or just simply “disappeared”. When I came home which was because the police thank God saw us, found us walking in a not so good neighborhood on the Las Vegas strip, due to an anonymous called had reported us being there, and apparently this dear soul was worried. More to that story but it’s between me and my best friend.

Heart

For many years, I had trouble breathing, said it was pains in my heart. The doctors dismissed me with numerous symptoms, I was a young girl growing and “it wasn’t that bad” so they said. Every week my heart gave me breathing difficulties, my mom believed me and did what she could to try to force the doctors to do something about it, or just take a look. Well they didn’t. My heart would beat (well race) and I could feel my chest throbbing with my hand and everyone else’s for that matter, it could last 5 minutes it could last hours it was unpredictable. So many try's of going to the ER at the feeling of this but as soon as I neared the hospital it was done, over had stopped. Well one day, five years with this shit and my mom’s determination, we went to the hospital, the hocked me up to a machine and it was racing 210 beats per minute, no wonder I couldn’t breathe. Well the next day I had a surgery, this was a few days after my birthday and I was certain this was the end. I said goodnight to my parents and a few hours later I said thank you for saving my life to the doctor and good morning to my mom. My heart surgery and problems are not anything I like bringing up, cause it did and has still created problems for me in was a human could not even imagine unless you gone through it yourself. But the point it that family was there for me

Grandma and the godfather

When I decided I wanted an education and my options were very very very limited, I made the decision to move back to Sweden after being so many years apart and away. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but since I was young and dumb I had taken on a house and apartment and jobs at a very young age and continued with them while going to high school, just as you can predict school was the thing that suffered immensely. I had lived the fast growing Las Vegas city life and I knew how hard it was to get somewhere. I had no free ticket and there was very little hope for this city girl. I dragged myself and my family through a tremendous amount of shit when I was young. But with my family, friends, guardian angels and god on my side I made it through. I knew what I wanted to be I just had to find the road to get me there. I sent a letter to my grandma asking if it was possible for me to move in with them for a while until I got on my feet. It didn’t take long till that letter returned with good news, I could stay with them. As soon as I got that answer the ticket was booked and a few months later I moved. As soon as I arrived, a rose in my grandmas hand with my grandpa beside, all of us filled with emotions, (thank god they spoke and speak English). It did not take long until my uncle my godfather came down from Stockholm to help me enroll in school. He gave me information and showed me around. I could not have gotten a more perfect start to a new life.

Now here I am, on my way to becoming a forensic psychologist, still with my FAMILY and true friends by my side.

 I’m lucky,

Time has shown me

That no matter the distance,

 No matter the fights,

The opposite of opinions or the disagreements.

Family is not simply blood thick, but with time you will know who they are and where they are and where they stand.

I’ve been blessed with the ability to forgive those who have wronged me, and love those who I have wronged. I now know that love is always there, but love for one another you have to open your eyes to see, to feel, to have and preserve, in order to retain. 

Thank you all for providing me with the love i needed to get through those hard times. I hope you find it in your heart to do the same for others