Quote

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -
myth is more potent than history -
dreams are more powerful than facts -
hope always triumphs over experience -
laughter is the cure for grief -
love is stronger than death

- Robert Fulghum

Alone and lost, in a world that doesnt exist!

I have noticed that this blogg really has come to stricktly be negative, I guess this is where I writte out my '' frustration''. Right now im wondering how it feels not to have anxiety or well since im wondering, I wonder what its like not to have a care in the world actually. Its frustrating how the body seems to flow in misterious ways.

It feels like im living in an endless to do list. But worst of all what I have come to realize is that I have been begining to do less of what I want less of what is me and focus more and more on others, their needs their perspective. If I want something done and I know someone else might enjoy doing it as well I wait, and I tell, and I wait and so it continus it feels like a constant nagg. Im Not happy with myself or who I have become because that one thing I really liked was Me and im partly gone.

It seems as every month passes by im changing and loosing. Ive lost who I was and who I was sattisfied with. Ive changed and im not liking it one bit. So the question is, How can I, knowing this, continue in and on this path? And I guess the actuall peroblem is that I cant even answer that question or well if I try I bet I can come up with some excuse but I really dont believe that is its the actual problem solution or cause.

Excusses, its crazy how many there are and how quick they can be draged out of our minds.
I see Now that the reason this blogg has come to be a place where I assume the technical term in 'bitch out' is due to the simple explenation, that when life is going good, when I dont encounter problems I feel like I do enough sharing, But when something negative appears im all alone! This mjr as my angel calls it is probobly a silent cry at times. Im hope this builds my charachter to the good cause where i am right now in my life, is deffinately the complete opposite.
I realize I frown which I did very seldonly before, I nagg and I complain I bitch and I moan. It feels like Im not even thankful unless, it feels like im being tested.
I guess after loosing so many times in life all that positive energy that got me through it and got me here has said '' well Iv'e done mine, you figure it out from here''.

Ive lost it, ive lost me, well considering I dont exist and all my problems are benign I dont really know what im writting about.

Feeling lost is a horrible feeling, being alone they say is horrible (I never did find it to be a problem At all) But they also say being alone when your two is worse. So considering that only half of that satement is true to ME, I guess being alone when you are two sucks, and honestly it does!
I dont know how its possible to get past that in a successful manner.

Some people spend their life running, running from life, running from situation, from conversations, from the unknown, the challenges the rough, the bad the ugly and others like me find it all intriguing and try to figure out why others run.

Rezurex - Resurect Me

Hjälp med statistik!

So Tomorrow The Re-Statistics exam.

I actually feel like i'm getting it, Its not easy, that it is not, But by digging through the wold wide web for a week, I and with the help of others have managed to scrounge up a whole bundle of extremly helpful pages.
Unfortunately the teachers material is what confused me. So once this exam has been graded and I've been given my grade I will send him these links and advice for him to re structure his doing. He has divided all the parts up and instead of saying they are either one of the same or that they are related he has been distinguished to keep them separate, which gave the result of confusion.
But now I feel rather confident and I sure hope this is not a defense bluff my mind is pulling on my, simply to calm me down.

Books for this Statistics for psychology and judgments,


Statistics for Psychology, 5th Edition, Instructor's Copy This one is pretty good


This Spss book is unfortunately no help!











This one is good in explaining!













But websites that did help me are in swedish,

Analys av data med statistiska metoder

http://ies.ltu.se/kml/utbildning/iek323/webmaterial/kap10/statistik.htm

ALLT om testing, värde etc

http://www.aktiesite.se/Statistik/Hypotestestning/hypotestestning.htm

Snabb SPSS test hänvisning

http://www.maths.lth.se/matstat/kurser/masb11/htm3/datorlab/masb11_labb2_10.pdf

Statistiska metoder, MM , Experimentell undersökning / klinisk prövning

http://www.infovoice.se/fou/bok/10000013.shtml

Översikt över signifikansanalys

http://www.infovoice.se/fou/bok/10000015.shtml

spss vilket test

http://www.ats.ucla.edu/stat/spss/whatstat/

I sure hope this helps someone else as much as it helped me!!

Study techniques

Its hard to find and figure out good study techniques, I managed to find some information which helped me understand the exam I took, helped me think about my studying techniques in a whole different manner, I also read some forums which helped me understand im NOT alone in feeling this way. I guess its a relief that im not in this misery alone.


Here are the sites I recomend, they are in swedish,
effektivare-studievanor

inför tentan

I got in!

In the midst of all this bologna of constant repeating of the Serenity prayer I got notification I got in on both the classes I wanted for next semester. Since I refuse to choose between the two ill be taking three classes next semester.
Good, well maybe not But i want them both and dont want to pass the opportunity up, considering My BAD luck

Failing to learn...

Its acctually quite horrible how one minute your on top of the world and the next at the bottom of the barrol.
It sucks,!!!
Living with someone has plenty of pros but or me, well it might be and or sound as an excuse, there are plenty of cons, espechilly when it comes to school work and cleaning.
My whole schedual has been throughn out of wack. Im not studying like i used to or following any of my scheduals which were kinda in "working" progress.
I guess its just another excuse as a result of yet another failure.
I don know what to do anymore. My faith is drifting my priorities changing and im lost, should I just give up?
Should I just quit, cnsidering im not getting anything in. I swear it feels like I understand but considering the reality of everything im quite a large failiure. What really is my biggest problem is that i didnt do anyting while in high school that gave me a foundation to work from when i enrolled in the university. I manage to miss that red line im suppos to leaar things from i manage to remember eerything that is unnecessary to even consider.
I want to have what it takes, just like it seems everyone else has. But what on earth can I do? How can I get there? I search the web for options for posebilities and some kind of hope that ill find something to help me, some how some way. but do i find something.... Maybe its right in front of me which is why I cant see it or find it. But as for now, this feeling of "wandering mind" is horrible.
I have no life, I work to pay rent, i obviously pretend to study and learn which is becoming quite useless. Mayabe im just not student material. I cant take it much more, im getting hit on the head more frequently then im able to take and handle for now. I know

The greater the obstacle the more glory in over coming it, is true but i cant pin point this obstacle so how can i over come it...

Im the one keeping me up, happy , focused and driven and im loosing it all, which will result in mass self destruction!

Frank Sinatra Cheek To Cheek

Support Wikileaks!!

Operation Payback Setup Guide

Studying via skype

Studying via skype Rocks!!!

This Statistics class feels like its been kicking my ass the whole entire time but now, Studying with someone over the web I have hope. Information has been exchanged and it feels like im finally getting it! FINALLY

So thankful for technology and a great study partner!

Quick note

So it seems like this day is already over. This is the time where i say to my self, Jessica do you even understand all you got done today?

Day started out fantastic, my hubbys perfume is still lingering in my nose :-D since he got up this morning, he ate his breakfast, got me a cup of coffee as i snuggled up on the couch with a warm blanket.

I got some gifts wrapped and others prepared and or written down. Trying to keep things personal and earthy this year, last year was herbal information. This year a little simple and sweet.

Today i feel like I recouperated from this weekends concert, where I found out that a couple of beers inside a warm cncert hall mixed with a "breath of air" dont go together, I got queezy and my babe took care of me. I swear mixing heat and the cold creates a ball under your foot. Since I dont drink it doesnt take much for me to apparently get dizzy. Good thing I had my man to take care of  me.
I say thank you for the concert, it was great and im sorry we had to leave early!
But, For me: Lesson learned.!!!
I dont understand how people can drink and drink, get sick again and again and then do it all over again. It was horrible!!! But im young and havent had nights out like this in sweden and espechially in the winter season.

So since all my energy was back, I ran after a buss that left 5 minutes to early resulting in missing my class. THere are few options for a girl living on the country side haha, walking would normaly be an aoption BUT since they dont bother to remove the snow from the sidewalks not only do i damage my back walking on the snow but it take twice as long to get somewhere.
Which meant I got to come home, shut the coffemaker off , slam my knee into something so i bashed it open and i think the light in the hallway busted.
Trying to get on my school website was A problem cause not one out of my two computers liked me today, So i decided to rinse them, which didnt help the performance but probobly helped the pc somehow...
Managed to download the new case but were not able to view it, yet... So im "patiently" awaiting for something to catch up so I can Get something done.
SO now its music and soon Dinner cause im hungry!!
Then Reading,, got three books to read perm to perm and to study for this Statistics for psychology exam .. Positive attitude is worth Gold. God help me help myself, cause stress is creeping up on me.

What I want and need is to relax and take time as it is for what it is, But man is that easier said then done!
My mind is bubbling!

Andre NIckatina "Caught In A Verse"

Nekromantix - Haunted Cat House

This song is soothing my soul!!

Nekromantix - My Girl

It pains me to see children who have problems that manifest in patents and parenting. Most children want attention cause they feel they never get it and I do think that in 2010 its not to deny that parents or adults have a lot and sometimes to much to do! But you can let that go out on you. To get love and respect you have to give it. They need attention encouragement , happiness, hugs and kisses in overwhelming bundles.

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love this job

For a person like me who has since birth been around kids, this job is the best job ever! The void of children has never existed. And it has to be just that that provides me with the curiosity of behavior. I see them play, fight , protest, regress and smile laugh love and help. It's not possible for me, not to bust out my smile as token for my love of observing them. This job is rewarding. Long for when I get the rhythm in check

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Children See, Children Do

soulbook

http://www.amazon.com/Soulbook-Rod-Stewart/dp/B002OHOEFODays like these, oh man am I thankful to be alive. While sheet of snow, my Amazing boyfriend left a warming note and my guardian angel circles my mind spreading seeds of joy. Days like these are what makes everything worth it. I want to keep them forever but even though I try they don't seem to retain the same value! Life is settling in for me, soon ill have a track to be on.
With Rod Stewart' s soulbook in my ears I don't know how I can feel more joyous about my life!

Another day of amazement in kindergarten now home to cook and study! I need the old overly positive me back, I love and miss her and my only bad excuse is that I'm having trouble standing against this pessimism and negativity this surrounding provides me with!

Soulbook-Rod-Stewart

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The helpless need us!!

Terribly horribly and utterly heart broken!!

I just witnessed a woman hindering a fêtes development. Smoking a cigarette is a choice you make on your own but when you become pregnant, it’s NOT JUST your life any more. You can not possibly be so ignorant in 2010. Smoking while pregnant. Gosh, seriously, my heart is broken and tears are falling. How on earth can we let a woman carry a child that she has no intention to nurture and care for? If you’re not wanting your child to DEVELOP you should not be allowed to give birth to a life. Its one thing if predispositions reveal a handicap but making a child handicapped due to selfish needs is deeply and utterly unexceptional!
I’m against cigarettes, seriously I'm against them. People that respect that I respect. People who don’t care well they have their own issues clearly. I can not respect a woman killing a child. I will not ever stand on the sideline and watch innocents and brutality exist in front of me. I will till the day I die, Put my life on the line for the once who are helpless. 

A child is not asked to be brought into this world; you have plenty of exceptional options when it comes to keeping it, aborting it, or blessing someone more capable to cherish it. BUT to kill its possibilities before it has the ability to speak up for itself is unacceptable.
It brings tears to my eyes!!
A child until about 16 are ignorant, they are unknowing and helpless. They need guidance, they need love, to feel to share and to know of love. They need a proper education, they need a stabile home, friends but most of all a LOVING FAMILY!!
Love and hinder/murder/prevention are NOT synonyms by any means. 
It’s tragic that Women who choose to carry and love honour and cherish a child still will put them through unnecessary trouble before they even given the option to breathe this air. 
Development, Development, Development, that is what is going on inside a woman’s body at the point of conception, How can you think that you are not damaging the DEVELOPMENT when you harm yourself?!!!!
I lost all respect for this woman! She does not deserve that life she is carrying, she does not deserve the blessing of a child when she chose to poison, destroy. Her intent is murder that is clear!!
It’s being studied right now ALL the damages the brain gets while in the belly. The stress, the alcohol, the cigarettes, the led the straight up poison. The impact it has on the human life, the problems we are not forced to face but who have been brought upon us by people who supposedly loved us brought to us. It’s horrific but true that a child that’s not capable of playing with other children a child who has difficulties reading, learning and going to school is most likely to become an outsider, an outsider who finds people like them, who together build a gang and rebel against the people they are actually jealous of. the fight and steal because they have no other options, they had trouble in school, so getting  job is very difficult, a child like this NEEDS EXTRA EXTRA HELP attention but most of all LOVE. The thing being studied is the relation between an underdeveloped brain and criminality. How can we doom our children the once we so called loved to this before they even have a chance.
Removing their chance in life, theirs first step their first action their first everything. Removing the synapses in the brain, limiting the connection, the speed and the function.
I curse all women who damage; I blame you for society’s problems. Women who are selfish when pregnant, women who are murdering a child they are planning to keep with just that intention.

I do need to clarify something here, I’m ALL for abortion, I’m all for a woman choosing to have a life before giving birth to one!!!!  Not as birth control but as a solution for something unplanned unwanted and unneeded.   
But for women who destroy development with clear intention to see how their experiment turned out deserve not to live happily.
I know it’s not nice to say, but with content in my heart those are my thoughts

Quiet these damn thoughts!

I swear the biggest problem in my life is that my thoughts are always wandering, literally!!! If I read one single sentence, my mind has already thought of at least three different things during. I have difficulties reading due to this, I get stuck, because my thoughts interrupt me, I forget because I remember something else, well the list is endless. The biggest problem I have is that I think to much, I do to much and I want to much or well actually I’m a clear definition of a go-getter, Everything I want I find a way to get, it may take time but that is included in my way there. Right now I'm sitting with 5 tabs in this internet window two are about the same thing, I have one downloading window and two word documents and one pdf, oh and a folder. I have tried a lot of things to wind down my mind but it doesn’t seem to work, ill keep note pads around so I write down the thoughts instead of acting upon them directly, I still do it, but I don’t think it had hindered me at all. There are so many things I want to do that helps me, there are so many things I need to do. And I do think that concludes the problem just a little, the fact that I want and need. It’s clear to say I’m far from a Buddhist. I don’t know why my mind is constantly on a search for something, does it not realize I have enough as is it, I mean my mind is in the game with me, side by side, how can it not be totally aware of the situation with me. 
It feels as if my mind is fighting against Me.!?!
There are what I will call natural remedies that do sooth the soul and helps me something tremendously, I manage to focus, prioritize, smile, endure happy thoughts and seriously and honestly be at peace with me. I am what you could most definitely not a drinker, Now read the words and don’t confuse them with a non-alcoholic. I mean if I have one beer or share a bottle of wine per month that is just about it. I don’t find alcohol amusing, I don’t find it exhilarating, I don’t like how people react, behave or even speak when under the influence, I don’t like I feel when drinking, I feel a pick me up after 20 minutes of the beverage and 30 minutes later I’m tired and the I get the feeling of discomfort. I have very very little respect for people who ABUSE ALCOHOL due to how people act. They BLAME it on the alcohol and the do things they regret or really shouldn’t be doing. In this society, people have to have alcohol in order to BECOME themselves, or well so they think. They are destructionists! I would if I could or knew how. Create a petition to ban the things that are literally destroying society, Alcohol and cigarettes, for god sake teenagers are breaking in to stores, robbing and killing due to nicotine desire, it’s clearly pathetic. Like I was saying, I would Ban alcohol and cigarettes and make marijuana legal. Gods plant, a plant that for some reason has been labelled around ignorant individuals, these individuals have created scandals out of simple lack of knowledge and spread myths that are contradictory to evidence and experience. This world is built and theorized from individuals who were worshiping the natural grown. How can we sell in our stores chemicals, that have been left to yeast left to mould left to experiment. Chemicals that destroy our bodies! You should not be able to buy something in the store that makes you feel sick or disgusted with yourself the morning after; you should not be allowed to buy something that makes you fenne after more.
If anything should be sold in the stores, it should be naturally grown. All these labels are coming up in the stores, naturally made, no artificial....., no this no that, its bull. They sell self destruction on a shelf, they create stores strictly for addiction, and they give it a label, 18 or 21 and older to buy. So I guess murder is legal after 21 considering how many people are drinking and driving. The state, the government are not trying to cut down or car accidents No they want to look out for our plane, our eco system, but they won’t let natural plant be grown in a house. You get a harsher sentence for a gram then you do for, paedophilia or sticking your neighbour in the oven or child in a pot. If more people would smoke, it would be a lot more peace, love and understanding. Regulating could definitely also is an option it they feel its necessary, require a doctor to prescribe it if you have to. But make it available. My migraines who are and have been getting worse and worse with age disappear, if you can explain it other then the relaxation of my body then please do. My mind doesn’t spin my thoughts are clear. I can enjoy life. I seriously do hate that I’m forced to consume narcotics every single day and sometimes more (But then I choose to have the migraine disappear and for the horrific mood swings to take over, its fantastic to remove a migraine and wake up the next day filled with regret, for how I overreacted, or snapped, or said something). I hate that these doctors know what the problem is but refuse to provide me with the effective medicine. I find this world filled with contradictory statements and all the media want is more stories more stories, don’t ban alcohol or cigarettes, for god sake there would be no stories, The number of people interested in reading of the newest tragedy would be out a story to read. There would be less drinking and driving, less children being beat to death because parents were drinking and not realizing how hard they were hitting. They would start a fight at a cafe, or pub. 

Would it seriously be so wrong to have a society where Hate and all kinds of destruction were removed?

Well here are some thoughts I had in the midst of all this studying for the exam tomorrow. Just make my thought quiet down so I can think! My mind does not shut up!

Prioritize stress

I swear feeling like everyone gets it when you don't (and on the inside you know its not really true).
It really really sucks. So to day in the middle of a hectic week, work today and meeting with the fantabolous Philosofy group (Which was awesome, considering my other class the only interaction we have is via PC its great to talk to people about things), i got work tomorrow again at the school (Which is AMAZING, thank god for that) and i got to study for the exam on thursday and the case report due on monday. I have to read about a few houndred pages and one book, oh and this is imprtant things to remember to, its nor a book of choice where i can choose my perspective, nope, here i got to learn and remember, which is lovely when stress isn't a factor. But what to do what to do.

Honestly im so lost i dont know where to start, where to prioritize and where not to.
My head is spinning and i cant make it stop, i need something to calm me down desperately.
Do i start with the exam well yes jessica its important, BUT the case is in a group and I cant NOT do my part of the one thing im deeply deeply interested in. Dont get me wrong Philosofy rocks! But i want crime and solving.
Talk about solving, Failing that test, well its my own fault. He said I explained to much, I gave to many of the variable answers. Honestly I thought i gave him what he asked, but there is the perspective kicking me in my ass. And I have a second chanse in the begining of December, NOW THAT SUCKS, i dont have time to study three courses all at once, serioucly with two jobs, im happy im still alive.

Things have changed tremendously the past few months, dont get me wrong its been great, but (yes of course a but) when things were like they were before, I was more focused ON ME. Now im serioucly not able to do so at all. And that too I my own fault, my problem, my worries. I just wish I could fix them.

Priority, ability, focusing and doing...... Gosh, everything just seems so difficult and I know i drag it on myself.
Like the kids, I will not, not now not EVER, deny them entry, help , assistance or a lending ear. I'm here for them and if I fall behind I did some serious slacking. I need to get things going MY way, Not that I know what way that is, nor will I for many many years, and I can say I'm quite eager to get there.

breath

Breathing isn't it crazy the one thing our body does automatically can, will and does help us something so tremendously. Having controll of your breathing means you have controll. Of you live but most of all yourself.
When its cold, when its hot when your happy when your scared. When things are rough or going smooth, when pain or agony is crossing your paths ,try to relax, controll your breathing and things will be ok. At times it seems impossible, but one deep breath and its all ok.

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Betray or there for life

Early in my life my father and mother established values. 

One of the many saying my father used to say was “family is the most important thing in the world, friends will come and go and only time will show you who your true friends are, but your family will always be there for you” whether I knew I needed them whether I wanted them there or not in my teen rebelliousness THEY WERE ALWAYS THERE.

I have friends that have been there for me when I needed them the most, they are few, I would say a hand full but they are TRUE friends, who I have stood in battle with who I have told me the cold hard truth in moments of desperate need who have given me a warm hug when I needed. But all those dear friend and my family are so tightly intertwined that not even my naïve eyes could tell them apart.

Its part of being a child, rebelling, and seeking independence seeking your “self” unknowing it will take several decades to find who you think you are or who you are going to pretend to be for a while.

I’ve been betrayed ample times in my short life but to be honest the betraying has come from “friends” My family; my big big family has always taken me in, no matter how harsh my statements and words in fury and frustration have been. They were there when I calmed down. They believed me when no one else did. They listened to my coded talks when no one else had time. They in moments of silence made more sense to me then all literature ever possibly could. As I’ve grown I have met a lot a lot a lot of people. So of who have provided me with aha moments some who have provided me with days week’s months and soon to be almost a year of aha.

Running away

(Im so thankful for everyone who gave me that second chance in life, THANK YOU!)

When times are rough and you need someone desperately, you will find out who your friends are. Some of my both horrific and most memorable impacts have been when I was a teen filed with raging hormones, emotions hard to handle and a move cross the continent which I hated and loved at the same time something so confusing that I and my best friend ran away. We both had self proclaimed teen difficulties and in the spur of the moment we wanted freedom. So instead of asking we took it.  We ran away, not very far but we did it a week in Las Vegas. We went to one of the only places a teen would know to go to where the police wouldn't care about us. Circus circus. We some how not only managed to live a week but we made it out a live after that week. Now with my more knowledgeable eyes I see, understand and feel horrible for what I put my parents through. How many kids have lost their lives by doing something this STUPID, how many kids haven’t gotten seriously hurt kidnapped or just simply “disappeared”. When I came home which was because the police thank God saw us, found us walking in a not so good neighborhood on the Las Vegas strip, due to an anonymous called had reported us being there, and apparently this dear soul was worried. More to that story but it’s between me and my best friend.

Heart

For many years, I had trouble breathing, said it was pains in my heart. The doctors dismissed me with numerous symptoms, I was a young girl growing and “it wasn’t that bad” so they said. Every week my heart gave me breathing difficulties, my mom believed me and did what she could to try to force the doctors to do something about it, or just take a look. Well they didn’t. My heart would beat (well race) and I could feel my chest throbbing with my hand and everyone else’s for that matter, it could last 5 minutes it could last hours it was unpredictable. So many try's of going to the ER at the feeling of this but as soon as I neared the hospital it was done, over had stopped. Well one day, five years with this shit and my mom’s determination, we went to the hospital, the hocked me up to a machine and it was racing 210 beats per minute, no wonder I couldn’t breathe. Well the next day I had a surgery, this was a few days after my birthday and I was certain this was the end. I said goodnight to my parents and a few hours later I said thank you for saving my life to the doctor and good morning to my mom. My heart surgery and problems are not anything I like bringing up, cause it did and has still created problems for me in was a human could not even imagine unless you gone through it yourself. But the point it that family was there for me

Grandma and the godfather

When I decided I wanted an education and my options were very very very limited, I made the decision to move back to Sweden after being so many years apart and away. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but since I was young and dumb I had taken on a house and apartment and jobs at a very young age and continued with them while going to high school, just as you can predict school was the thing that suffered immensely. I had lived the fast growing Las Vegas city life and I knew how hard it was to get somewhere. I had no free ticket and there was very little hope for this city girl. I dragged myself and my family through a tremendous amount of shit when I was young. But with my family, friends, guardian angels and god on my side I made it through. I knew what I wanted to be I just had to find the road to get me there. I sent a letter to my grandma asking if it was possible for me to move in with them for a while until I got on my feet. It didn’t take long till that letter returned with good news, I could stay with them. As soon as I got that answer the ticket was booked and a few months later I moved. As soon as I arrived, a rose in my grandmas hand with my grandpa beside, all of us filled with emotions, (thank god they spoke and speak English). It did not take long until my uncle my godfather came down from Stockholm to help me enroll in school. He gave me information and showed me around. I could not have gotten a more perfect start to a new life.

Now here I am, on my way to becoming a forensic psychologist, still with my FAMILY and true friends by my side.

 I’m lucky,

Time has shown me

That no matter the distance,

 No matter the fights,

The opposite of opinions or the disagreements.

Family is not simply blood thick, but with time you will know who they are and where they are and where they stand.

I’ve been blessed with the ability to forgive those who have wronged me, and love those who I have wronged. I now know that love is always there, but love for one another you have to open your eyes to see, to feel, to have and preserve, in order to retain. 

Thank you all for providing me with the love i needed to get through those hard times. I hope you find it in your heart to do the same for others

Cant manage the unmanageable

How can you ever be sure your doing the right thing at the right time? I’m sitting here trying to study everything all at once, because I live a life with nothing but stress. I’m filled with regret cause no matter what I do it doesn’t seem to be enough or the right thing at the right time. I’m reading one book while I probably should be reading the other books. My weekends disappear to obligations to which my heart is split on the decision making. How will I ever know if I'm doing the right thing at the right time? Making mistakes is horrific and it leaves behind stress and debrief that I really can’t take right now. Lost lost lost
I feel bad. Sometime more the others I wish things would go back to when I had time to focus to do what I wanted to and what I needed to. Living in this present with obligations that are not my own is a burden. Not everything has gotten better with time I tell you. I’m finding myself in a constant guilt trip, gosh even taking a shower takes more time out of my day then I have to spear. No matter what I do I still feel as if it’s not helping me forward, just stressing me out right now and destroying things for later on.
How can I manage two jobs and two classes all while balancing life's musts and needs? I haven't found myself doing anything for me in a long time, gosh painting my nails is the only me time I'm able to give out and it’s only every other week.   I’m stressed, guilty bound, and can I say (well at this moment) less happy. Finding a minute to read my email (god forbid to answer an email) or to send a massage to a friend or a loved one is not something to which time allows.

B.B 2010

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You learn nothing by talking & everything by listening!

There are times when people talk and they state the obvious where irritation strikes and the thought or words just simply go along the lines of "duah its the obvious" and then there are times when the obvious is stated and you still know its the obvious but you go "huh that’s right". Well recently I had just that happen to me, often when the obvious (to me) is stated I find myself getting a bit irritated and I don’t really know why, but imp working on both figuring it out and fixing it, nevertheless, but this time, maybe I was in unconscionably in desperate need of hearing it, cause this time it clicked, well duah Jessica, just do it, just try it and see how it goes.
I bet you’re a little curious to know what it was; well it was to skim the textbooks. 
I swear sometimes the mind is susceptible to listening and some taking in other times is rejecting every word that reaches the ear.
I am a miss talk a lot, I cant say I like hearing myself talk cause I do find me a bit irritating at times ha-ha, especially my own recorded voice. But I do talk, I love to intervene and discuss and resolve and learn, and in my head I learn my asking questions by wanting an explanation. I do wish I had the ability to at times remember my "oo I have something to say right now" and hold them for when the person is COMPLETELY finished talking and have been granted a few minutes/seconds/moments to pause and think. Well I seem to forget, and utter my words instantly. I feel my heart pounding blood racing if I hold something in that I know I want to say, its like a rush or arousal or something. So I speak my mind often and well, all the time. If I don’t then after I feel regretful like, I should have told that woman her ring was beautiful, it would have made her day.

See im far far far away from the typical norm of peoples personality and character and I do find pride, tremendous pride in that, however at times when I’m comfortable around someone, I think I talk toooo much.
See what is so contradictory to my own wants and needs is that, I want to remain that way given minor changes but I want to change to become a person who listen a lot as well. 
I guess finding that balance is a part of finding me, and I will, I know I will and I know I'm on the right track. For gods sake I have my guardian angel, my soul mate, may family, my life and my loved once right beside me, helping me in their own way and supporting me.

Page out of a book

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Here is the baby!

Frankie J - Daddy's Little Girl

Freedom does NOT COME FREE

Veterans DAY!!!

I go to bed and how often do I say, Thank god i don't live in a war zone!?!
well the answer is simple, it's far to seldom. Maybe if a show, movie or song reminds me! (That's sad)

Life, love, laughter and forgiveness, to often disregarded and taken for granted!

Freedom isn't free, millions of people are dying for that very word!
How can you not believe in something, the word believe is synonym with god in my book. Believe in a better world, believe that there will come cures for cancer,believe you'll see tomorrow, believe you'll get to see your family next time.

I Honor all the veterans who gave me a birth state, who provided me with work, a justice system, schools and security.
(Might not be perfect, but you can feel secure)

I wish for people to believe and to
cherish yesterday, dream tomorrow and live today!

Have You Forgotten?

Amazing Grace

words words, spoken to much or NOT at all, words. The truth is raw!

Whats said and whats not said, it all matters and in this day and age of unlimited and required communication, it matters tremendously.

Ever feel like you want someone to talk to, but you know you have to keep it inside.
There are things in life, no matter if they are doubts, worries, questions or dreams, you just cant imagine yourself speaking of to another. Maybe your simply worried to leave yourself woundable, open to hurt or victimized.

I swear sometimes you just feel so completely alone, that the world filled with people, begin to stop making sense.

 Well hopefully with time, everyone finds someone who they can talk to, about mostly everything. The worries of everyday life, the troubles that come with them and that that someone will/might attempt to try to answer your questions with some kind of comfort.. Some things in life are not crystal clear and its nice to have someone to ask, to consult, someone who might not fix the problem parse but who will try to help you find your way to the answers.

Words have an incredible impact and humans are amazingly horrible of using them the right way. And im by god no exception.

Sometimes when you are in a crowded room you feel as if your all alone,    Sometimes when your all alone you feel as if your in crowded room.
----
On another note in the same Jessica song,
---
In today’s world who has the time to take care of some one, I see myself as a person who’s pretty good at managing time considering everything I squeeze into it.
 Which is why I have noticed i don’t have time to be a damn made, house cleaner nor a housewife, I cant be in a good mood all day everyday and especially if i don’t get what i need out of life in every way. I see all these plastic people on covers of magazines and on Tv who really have very little of life’s bundle of obstacles, not saying they don’t have theirs but they do have it easier then most everyday sufferers life me. I do envy their constant cheerful attitude and calm personality for every event, in some ways. But I feel sorry for the fact that they don’t get to truly appreciate life’s treasures. I see life as a ying and yang which balance echother out. You need the bad to see the good.

But how am I suppose to with two part time jobs, two different schools and subjects in two different city’s, manage to do anything, besides take care of me, when im "off". I cook (Cause I want a healthy life style and because I LOVE LOVE LOVE homemade dinners) I clean (Cause my parents imprinted that value as well as dinner) and i try to work out (cause it feels great), I make shopping lists (Cause no one fills the fridge, freer or cabins for me) and I get laundry time ( cause I have no one who does it for me, nor can I afford to buy new clothes as a substitute for washing, as I once did and its kinda the reason I now have so much clothes) all while balancing emotions and life.

- I swear this life, will be the death of me and that is in every way The TRUTH!

The sad thing is I blame me for my troubles, therefore if I had not brought them on me, I would not have them. 

Everyone in this life needs some one, someone like a therapist, who doesn’t charge, who you can depend on and consult while having the security, that its all confidential, That no angry words spoken “in the moment” or unnecessary fights will open Pandora’s box and reveal all your deep dark secrets.
I wonder I really do, is it possible to have love and affection with a person you can trust and rely on and who will always satisfy you needs, all while enjoying life and pursuing a career, YOUR CAREER and managing the house and family?

Im young and unknowing about what life will bring into my life, but as im sitting here I come to type the words, that so long have been lingering in my head. Will I be able to pursue my life, completely becoming a forensic psychologist as I want, as I crave, and see the world, get to experience and have a husband and family, while it all being what I want it to be.

Honestly from the bottom of my heart, I don’t see it! I’m like most women, I want a family, I want a big family, and to be able to spend time with my children, but since I cant love what i don’t have (this fantasy dream world) I’m wondering if I want one. I feel secure in saying, having a family will "ruin MY life" I wont be able to have my passion for work, be surrounded by the psychology and criminals, all while having a loving family. One or the other WILL suffer. Why should "I" be the one to suffer? Kids take time and family is complicated.
Why would I give up my life!?

I live in a “democrasy” and I get to choose when and if I want kids. While im fighting biology.
How is it possible to squeeze in my life and my dream life all into one. I honestly think that most mothers have some kind of regret or resentment to their family. As much as they love their kids and family, THEY WERE THE ONCE WHO LOST. They should be given some kind of alternative world where they could do what they wanted to do while still keeping everything they gained in their family world/role.

The men were able to pursue their career if they wanted to and unfortunately most of them settled for a job.

How can it be so unfair? That men get to do things and woman have to bust their asses. In this damn age women work harder then men to get half way there and they are not supported, economically nor emotionally. Men are just different creatures that cant give the kind of true support women find from women friends. Isn’t it crazy.

Well im goal oriented and I will not settle. I will stomp over ever person if that’s the case to give myself what I need, want and deserve.

I will not settle for less, so watch out world here I come!

STATZ RAPPERS

Growth

I find it very interesting that I'm able to feel how I have grown. My morals once established still stand. Just thinking bAck, beings me back to here and now. It's like a silent wake up call.
Growing up, gosh, crazy to think that I cant even think of anything else but who I am now. When the moment visits me I'm able to think back , remember and reminise. But most of the time I'm overwhelmed with right now!!!

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Halloween

So this lovely pumpkin brought great joy last night.
Woke up än hour to early to day, thats what happens when time is messed with and you don't follow the crowd ha-ha. Went to Church, place of peace and joy. Got home to bake before leaving for hubbys cousins.
Study went great yesterday got all the reading done. And started writing and reviewing.
Finally catching up, now I only project left, due tomorrow and test in a few days!!

The feeling of greatness is overwhelming!

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Happy Halloween

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terrorist made me made

BBC News - Yemen terror alert: Obama says explosives found

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life relaxing

I wish I could do just this. Sitt and relax for hours!

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pearls

He came home with a make-up table with real pearls inside!!! How on earth could I have gotten a more incredible boyfriend then this!! I love him with my life.

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mobile

Talk about making things mobile. I've been so busy that I have started 13 posts but haven't had time to post one. So here I am, thank god for people who invent technology and keep it going. I'll probably be posting a lot from my HTC hero from now on.
Right now I'm taking a break from this punishment called statistical reading. It's difficult but I think I get parts of it but don't know for sure cause its an internet class, which makes it challenging. But whatever I'm gonna keep fighting now!

Lots of love

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Carrie Underwood - Don't Forget To Remember Me

Luther Vandross - Dance With My Father - Lyrics On Screen.

You're Gonna Miss This - Trace Adkins

Fight for Love

Thank God for people, love, music and books!!!

    So I've been going to court following the murder trial and its very interesting. I'm thinking of doing a summary of everything, since I documented everything in my "Court notebook". 

     Day three is on Monday and they will give the verdict then. 

I wish I didn't have an opinion but i would lie if i said I didn't. Listening to  all the evidence, considering and taking everything into account I should probably be more/less bias then I am. Since the Swedish system is the way it is they will most likely let this guy go. 

(Honestly that does not mirror my opinion) but its 24 year old murder case.

        Love is what love is and what would life be without "obstacles". Well It wouldn't be Worth living, that's something I'm sure of. I have some of the most amazing people in my life and it makes me like myself a little bit less, when i don't treat them as they deserve to be treated according to me. In the book I'm reading it says its because I'm thinking and wanting to change so badly that its all just going wrong. All i want to do is calm down and relax, I'm not fit for this culture the way my personality is built. I don't fit in at all and its near impossible to "find a personality match, that "understands me""

This song says it all 

Cheryl Cole - Fight For This Love

Went to my philosophy introduction today, a day that seemed down and hopeless sure changed as soon as this professor walked in. She is amazing, fantastic personality and sense of humor. I left there 15 minutes later in a better mood. I'm already loving the class.

Now I'm forced to do some homework.

Dear God, please provide me with functional technology as well as strength motivation and patience!

So tomorrow I work 7-13:30 in home care.

Thin lizzy - Dancing in the moonlight

Week-end 41

Link:
Pay Attention


Multi tasking life to avoid missing out. Well don’t I manage to miss out while doing so? From a reality stand point.




Friday

Work was great love kids so much. They bring joy and endless new possibilities. Love watching their creative selves in action. Its astonishing at the least.

Kids are a blessing from God.

My love picked me up and we went and gave the neighbor kids mom the gifts we bought from ikea for the new baby.

Saturday


There were signs for a (yard sale) loppis so of course we went, you never know what kind of gold is buried within someone else’s crap. We found books, lots and lots of books. 20 of them to be precise. And about 18 of them were mine, all about psychology, psycho-analysis, primitive mental state, drugs, child psy. Sex and taboo in a primitive lifestyle, psychotherapy, etc. I guess I managed to strike the right book shelf to plunder.
Well actually since my eyes only draw attention to neon flashing things its thanks to my amazing boyfriend that I (him) found them all. I looked passed a lot. You see he actually reads and thought they might be something of my interest, well a man was he RIGHT. Talk about a good eye. Well after that we drove to Ö&B a big warehouse to buy a tub for the lizard. He loved swimming like a fish in the tub so much we knew it was needed and we were correct. He loves his new home.


Some of the kids came over later on, to talk and relax, while we put up some art on the walls. Its all so pretty everywhere now.

Sunday

(Church was about family)

After that we packed a picnic and went to the Järavallen the forest. Picked a nice sunny spot, in this lovely autumn weather, to just lay there and read. It was great, I for once did not read a study book but my honey did. It was lovely, just relaxing.

We came home and a few minutes later the amazing neighbor kid stopped by asking to borrow one of my computers to help his mom look for a baby crib. Of cource he got to. So the soup was almost done and he comes back with great news, they found one for 300 kr ( and the price had already been reduced) Shopping on the web rocks!. So tomorrow looks like we might help them get it home this week.

Purle painted nails and tom petty in my ears… got to love life

Now movie Dead silence 

Tomorrow: Im sitting in on a Murder case in Lund

Communication; Dram = Law and order

Song:

If you wanna be somebody...

             What a day! Drama can come from so many ways, it can be internal it can be external it can be necessary and it can be unnecessary.

I come from a very loving family, raised with respect manors and with the knowledge that life isn’t easy and nothing will just come to you.

Today I was packing my bag for practice and realized that my shin guards were gone. Well the drama queen I can be when panic strikes me I thought I lost them, but as suspicion, they were not lost nor stolen but forgotten at the club. Thank the lord.

So I went to the court house and sat in on a domestic violence, quite interesting actually, the man is in custody which in Sweden they call it something along the lines of being deprived of freedom. Well this guy beat his wife and deserves no freedom. Gosh well I shouldn’t say that, nothing is final they have a second court date set and women are conniving, especially when given reasons to be pissed of.

            I got to thinking today, as three “kids” friends of the felon where causing trouble in the court room etc and I caught myself “picking sides”, I realized just that “I had ‘picked a side’” unknowing of what the future evidence will or might show. This going to court thing is going to build my character and force me to grow. As I’m watching the big judge and her three or four judge buddies, (honestly they are to old to be doing their job, but what ever) they don’t make one single face expression no matter what is happening, how horrific or funny. They are neutral, which is what I too have to learn (given the appropriate place and time of course), I’m building my “keep it quiet” ,“keep it to yourself” as well as “keep it in the short/long tem memory” categories, which is great. I get to watch and admire the law process.  

            Most people don’t “know me” (gosh barely I know me) but I do love the brain. I’m at aw, astonished and amazed, I’m so fascinated by it that I can get caught up in it and have a hard time understanding why everyone else don’t share the same feelings with me. Ha-ha-ha ha :-D Well what I as well as many people find behaviour fantastic. I’m deeply interested in the cognitive process of the criminal mind. I do what to evaluate people who what committed a crime and who clearly need help. To place them in the right facility, to give them the opportunity to get help, get “better”. I would love to work in a group where we could evolve profiling into something that actually exists and works. (As of right now its only Hollywood that have cracked this code, but that’s great for them, ratings gone up, but confidence in law enforcement has gone down, people think how TV does it is how real life does it too). So the court proceedings I’m the most interested in, are the once where the crime has well some kind of “meaning”.

  So sitting there watching both him and her today, going back and forth and barely giving the panel of judges any steps forward at all, I found it highly interesting. There is no one in this world that can accurately tell if a person is lying or not, whether they are or will commit an act or not. You can say what you want,  but the only “evolved” piece of equipment that ‘exists’ is still being worked up on and its coming from my neighbouring town Lund. They are in the making of developing a machine that (when an act has already been committed such as murder) they will show words on a screen, put a shower cap on your head and connect it to a computer who monitors your subconscious. And will show the firing signals as soon as you recognize something. So you don’t have the ability to think about hiding or lying.

 But there isn’t a person in this world that is better at guessing about truth telling then you or me, not any one. Out of a stud conducted with students, law enforcements agents, judges and criminals, the criminals had just a few more right at guessing whose lying an whose not. So sorry to bust the cap on the TV show “Lie to me” ha-ha ha.

Well;

 Today I didn’t go to church, because I actually slept well this morning and since it starts at 9 I didn’t want to get up till 8 and even then my body was saying get back to bed.     

I didn’t go to practice, because I'm working tomorrow and due to some obstacles in the study program I wanted to catch up, but yes I did go to the club to see if my shin guards were there.

I tried to go to the book store to pick up the 6 books I need for my new class, but as I got there 15:30 and they closed 15:00 I was in deed to late.

So ill go back Monday, but that’s GREAT cause they have a murder trial then which I hope they have open doors for (probably not, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed) if not there are plenty of other once to choose between. (It does sound crazy I do realize that, but the again I’m me)

So I just finished my lecture. 90 minutes of z tests, standard deviation. blah blah blah yeah. (I’m going to record it onto my mp3 and brain wash myself with his words.) It felt good   so after work Ill be digging my claws into statistics.

Badampapapa I’m loving it

Last words:

Answer, Talk, communicate

Answer, Talk, communicate

Answer, Talk, communicate

Answer, Talk, communicate

Laundry day

Song: Tim Mcgraw-I Miss Back when

What a day, started out with coffee with my love on the couch as usual. I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately and this night was just as horrible and I strictly blame the shot, it did a number on my arm. I toss and I turn and as I do I hurt.

            The computer program is where the first few hours of my day was dedicated to. Well I had very little choice, Its laundry day. Not the best day of the month but its up there on the top ten list. Usually I ‘relax’ while I do laundry but since I got a tremendous amount of school work, my time is pretty much accounted for. I grabbed two big blue IKEA bags and filled them with colour sorted pies of fabric, and my book. I put  in a load in the machine and took my place on top of a counter.

 (Seriously im so happy this moving this is over, cause these extra loads are no fun.)

About four oclock I was done, Went home to clean up, unload dishwasher and fill it up again and begin baking. Chocolate muffins with extra chocolate chips, just for my man. 30 minutes in the oven so I set the alarm and jump in the shower. Get out get dressed and the alrm goes off, but it’s barely needed you can smell that they are done. So out with the muffins, put a towel on top and so I start making the meatballs, put the pasta in water and the veggies s well. As I’m waiting for the skillet to heat up I make an egg salad (to have on the breakfast sandwich), set the table and start browning the meat. Every thing almost done and my babe walks in the door with a monster energy drink, could things get any better. :-D     

We have a great dinner with as always intriguing conversations. I think its because I always have something to talk about. The mining guys getting rescued and I tell him about the interesting info I picked up while learning about it, and how ive forgotten to tell him some things and how one of the kids came by earlier informing me that he too had made a git for the snake which he will bring by maybe tomorrow. I talk about how frustrated I can be with parents how they should talk to kids more about *conscience* seriously, you can do whatever you want in life but you can not escape your conscience. How frustrated I am about parents being to damn scared to talk about SEX how those words still are taboo (in 2010) its crazy, how parents should want their best for their kids, hurting more then helping ex you wouldn’t let a kid burn themselves on the stove to find out its hot, no you’d tell them about it. etc. I always have something to talk about and I hope it stays like that my entire life. We clean up and go for a walk through the forest right before his dad comes to visit, where we also have things to talk about, im trying to get him to talk so I offer some methods worth trying.

His dad arrives and we get a cactus and a flower as a housewarming gift. Its so sweet and most of all beautiful. We enjoy a nice conversation some muffins and tea before it gets to late.

Well the evening ends with Efterlyst. I enjoy this program and now me writing. SO excited about Friday, work , wooooho. Tomorrow morning church, probably court house entertainment again and then practice :-D

That was this day.

All well that ends well.

Dinner tonight was;  Parsley meatballs pasta veggies and a home made tomato sauce

Lonestar - Mountains
Right now this song fits me like a glove.


So im getting me through  this computer program, but mostly watching this character named Life.
He's just amazing and he too fits the song.

Love: Always unconditional!

Song: 

good morning beautiful brad paisley 

So I updated the apps in my phone and lost everything, I don’t know what it is with me and technology but we don’t go together. I manage to loose everything time and time again. Computer crashing, Memory cards external hard drives persistently formatting both computer and cell phone or password protection fails and formats, its like a never ending story. I got some bad luck. Kind of wish it was possible to keep some things from the past, but all these environmental people really love watching me suffer.

(Do I hope I’m not alone, well maybe I do, misery does like company, or what?)

 Well woke up next to my love to a day filed with excitement!!!

First I’m of to Lund and sit in court and watch some real Law and Order.

I ended up following a case about Fraud. An old Lady and her cleaning lady, but this lady is old and it looks more like she forgot she spend money on family and misplaced her jewelery.

Then I got some lunch at my favorite Swedish fast food place while downloading documents for this computer program. Time flew by and I had to go back to court and sat there till’ my butt got numb ha-ha, Not really but until it was flue shot time.

So a few hours later I did it, I got it and now my arm is dying, it’s numb and heavy, but she did say it could happen, wonder if it was more of a certainty then a might.

Now I’m at the library and time has just flown by me all day, which I only find to be a good thing when you are bored and don’t enjoy what’s going on or where you are, When I’m having fun, I want to time to slow down so I can get more out of the day.

So school is swamping me, this computer system is interesting but I got all this reading and learning to do as well, so my mind is overwhelmed.

( I think, or is it…. I do enjoy living under pressure; guess that’s the overwhelming speaking)

Gosh I don’t know where the time went, really, its already time to leave for practice. So ill write more in a bit.

So Practice was great, I enjoyed it. It feels great to get to punch/shake it off. Its nice when you feel the work you’ve done after and tomorrow I’ll feel it even more. :-D Love it

Love:  When I say I love my boyfriend and that I know he is the one, I could not know myself any more. He never stops amazing me!!!

He comes to pick me up from practice, when he probably has better things he could be doing, carries my bag that’s filled with, equipment and trust me that weighs on its own but also had two school books and a computer. I asks me about my day and listens to me ramble and whine on and on, Its pretty much preaching.. ha-ha. I come home to find the mail picked up of the floor (Papers for my philosophy class that starts next week) and I walk in the living room to find this!!!!

 The rose above the card is a fake :-D

We feed the kids and I jump in the shower and he makes me dinner, cause he knows I want to watch Desperate Housewife’s!!! He is THE BEST thing EVER!!!

I’m very lucky!

Dinner: 

Salmon ,rice and homemade sauce.

 

Food for thought:

I wonder if judging is nature or nurture. At times it seems to come so naturally to people, which is why I’m leaning more to the nurture side.

If its taught then can it be changed?

What does it take to change a persons wrong thinking?

Wrong, yeah I know who’s to decide what’s wrong or right in a world that’s simply a state of mind, people living in individual bubbles who are forced to communicate on mutual grounds.

 I bet you have heard someone say "oh no that person isn’t like that; that person would never do that"  

Well have you ever been to a court house?

You will see people just like the once you stand behind at the grocery store, But here the only difference is that they have committed a crime and are in a place/ a building to be sentenced. (Here in Sweden the majority of court cases are open for the whole public to join in on)

What gets under my skin are people who say "Yes, they have always been that way; They wont change; once a __ always a __"

People don’t have the ability to see what people really are all about nor are they able to know what people are really capable of doing. It is still an unsolved mystery, well until I’m legally a practicing forensic psychologist.

So quit judging people by who YOU think they are!

*Come on, the only thing in life that is constant, is that nothing is constant.